Thread by @natural_hazard, been reflecting on the way i've approached non-coercive stuff over the past [...]

been reflecting on the way i've approached non-coercive stuff over the past year or so, and it's feeling time to shift to a different phase

first imma outline the implicit structure of what I've been trying

1. don't squash grass-roots curiosity. if anything pops up and feels compelling, follow it

2. don't *force* myself to do things. ditch obligations to previous selves visions if it feels right

3. don't let hype/status/cool/approval drive my interest

(these are retroactively identified. i didn't have these on a post it on my wall or something)

okay, shit that's been great about that

growing up boredom was a HUGE enemy. i feared that maybe one day i'd run out of ways to not be bored and that life would be continual misery

aggresively bouncing around chaotically has given me a gut appreciation that this can't happen https://twitter.com/natural_hazard/status/1316360652164935681?s=20

https://twitter.com/natural_hazard/status/1316360652164935681?s=20

relatedly, i've got more stubs of ideas for blog posts than I'm ever gonna write

life feels way less scary now that i'm less secretly worried i'm gonna end up trapped and bored forever

specifically this happens less https://twitter.com/natural_hazard/status/1316365693999292418?s=20

https://twitter.com/natural_hazard/status/1316365693999292418?s=20

i've also got a lot more faith in my curiosity.
i used to be a lot more derisive of my curiosity/taste/interests because of the shame from lots of boom/bust hype-status cycles of interest https://twitter.com/natural_hazard/status/1326658060622979073?s=20

https://twitter.com/natural_hazard/status/1326658060622979073?s=20

not *forcing* myself has helped deescalate those. it also gave me a hook to *notice* it at all

previously, when an inkling of "i don't actually care about this" popped up, it was quickly steam rolled. it would grow, and disinterest would fight with "DO IT" and then collapse

with a commitment to not forcing, resistance would pop up and I'd be like "oh. do i not want to do this? okay, let's do something else"

allowing my self to explore + vigilance for hype cycles combined to give me a much better ability to tell the difference, and it also led to even more belief that pursing curiosity would lead to good things

all of this was enabled by some fundamental level ups in self-acceptance

>more acceptance
>can impliment strats that would have been blocked
>be in a different way
>have new experiences that deeply update me

sooooooooooooooooo

"don't force yourself and do what you feel like" is probably the most common gloss of non-coercive ideas. and it's more or less what i was doing. and a huge reason that was possible is BECAUSE I HAD SLACK IN MY LIFE

slack came from
-having previously spent a year hyper charging my execution ability
-dropping classes and quitting being a TA
-having scholarship that meant i didn't need a parttime job
-switching majors to something that ate up less time than cs https://twitter.com/natural_hazard/status/1326520381537214470

https://twitter.com/natural_hazard/status/1326520381537214470

more or less slack was rooted in
privilege to avoid certain constraints + life reorganization + being really good at executing on the constraints i couldn't shake off

so what's different now a days?

i think I've had a shift in my understanding of the details of "to resolve conflict you must get stronger"

this attitude started a year ago when i was like "welp. i'm graduating and need an actual job"

i wanted to be able to move to nyc where my gf was. job hunting also sucks and is not "what's most alive to me right now"

this shifted focus from "things that feel alive to do" and "futures that feel alive"

what i noticed last week was that i've gotten good at spotting resistance, but I haven't changed much in *interrogating* resistance

i'm also seeing how this is SO GOD DAMN IMPORTANT because this resistance is the main medium that trauma has to steer me

this is crazy important. expand

when i first began practicing experiencing my emotions/wants/desires more fully, so much pain/resistance/bleh would drop upon just being aware of it

"oh, i'm aarushi said something that hurt my feelings earlier" boom https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/qmXqHKpgRfg83Nif9/how-to-ignore-your-emotions-while-also-thinking-you-re

How to Ignore Your Emotions (while also thinking you're awesome at emotions) - LessWrong

(cross posted from my personal blog) Since middle school I've generally thought that I'm pretty good at dealing with my emotions, and a handful of close friends and family have made similar comments....

https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/qmXqHKpgRfg83Nif9/how-to-ignore-your-emotions-while-also-thinking-you-re

now let's say i'm trying to do a particular task and resistance pops up. i check how i'm feeling, bring it to light, give it air.

if i still felt resistance afterwards i'd be like "cool, time to do something else"

since i was committed to not forcing, and it wasn't resolving, i'd switch. I didn't *need* dig deeper.

since i've gotten better at not being in misaligned hype cycles, most of the resistance i encounter now comes from other sources

the things i'm scared of, my patterns of trauma, feeling cheated by reality, all sorts of stuff

for a long stretch, "futures that feel alive" wasn't much of a driving force for me, because i'd become aware of how all of my explicit "these are cool futures I want" had been deeply corrupted by approval seeking and were injected with other people's values, not mine

i rightly did not trust myself to go "this is what I want 5 years from now, how do I work towards it?"

BUT THAT"S CHANGING NOW!!!

i have wAAy more trust in my ability to discern how connected a given drive/desire/future with my soul

now, i've got a lot more attention on resistance. importantly, i'm still not actually *trying* to make a particular outcome happen.

it feels like "giving more possibilities a fair shot".

there are certain paths of action for me that will be reliably blocked and never chosen in a "do what feels alive" mode because trauma/fear is an active force making them feel dead.

this week i've been thinking [planning + taste]

how do i increase taste? (understanding of values)
how do i increase planning? (ability to make things happen)

how do i integrate these for increase experience of agency? (i want, i see path of action, i do, i get)

trauma attacks your planning by making things feel impossible and your taste by making things feel undesirable

feelings of resistance & impossibility

what am i doing now?

earlier: "stop controlling. let your attention go where it wants"
now: "study your attention, learn the structure of what it's drawn to and away from. find the trauma in it's subtle manifestations"

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