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i just wanna be doing my thing already... i hate that i get so much in my own way
i just don’t feel like i’m living my truth anymore and i hate feeling so confined
and i’m not tryna sound tone deaf bc of course i don’t mean in this situation 
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🥴" title="Woozy face" aria-label="Emoji: Woozy face"> i just haven’t felt like myself in over a year and i don’t know if i should keep chasing a past self or go forward and be me
like i just want to continue living authentically and carefree like i did until i reached this major shift in my happiness last year. i don’t want to progress through life without remembering to laugh & to be lighthearted. it’s all not that serious.
growth is realizing 1) you can’t find the old you by surrounding yourself in ppl/things you used to do 2) the “old you” includes unhealthy coping mechanisms you evolved from so that version of you doesn’t exist anymore & is not compatible w the future &
3) you are still YOU, even after trauma. i just don’t want to be bitter, and i want to forgive myself. and i just wish i didn’t spend so much of these last months in my own head policing my every though & disassociating.
i realized i spent years filling a role and not being a person. i just miss being present & alive & feeling like i had a purpose. i miss auto-pilot sometimes because having to stop and feel every nuance and digest trauma at every moment is exhausting
and like shit like impressing people and my image and my talents? i never questioned or self-doubted these things. the things i’ve always been certain about myself suddenly aren’t solid enough to stand on. i just want to come out of this better and i know i will.
i’ve also given the people who hurt me too much power and credit like i never have. i own all of me.
so if there’s a moral to this: fill the void of pain with self-love, be easy in yourself, remember you’re THAT bitch, and stop torturing yourself. you are not a failure, or weak, or stupid, or immature. never be embarrassed to be you, and do things fully and with INTENT.
you are still a leader and an empath; and you are wise, fine, beautiful, creative, witty, and possess many forms intelligences. we are all on a journey. own ALL of you and go forward. you are free from the past.
there’s mad typos in this thread but i don’t give a PHUCC because it’s 3 a.m. and my brain cells are working from home
